1552楼DXMOM
(。。。。。。)
发表于 2011-2-17 09:09
只看此人
回复 1853#不二周助 的帖子
乘老师在, 能否请老师帮我们看看这篇作文。
这是寒假里面的一篇练笔, 就是上次说到过的, 有关描述性手法,以及如何把文章写生动等讨论以后的练习。
这是他的原文, 我没有做任何修改。
我除了标点之类的, 不知道该如何批改或评论这篇文章(说实话, 有时候我连标点都不知道自己用得是否正确。 俺的语法太差)。 恳求不二老师提出意见, 万分感谢!
Papa Jones Pizza
The day before yesterday I was sick. I haven’t eaten pizza in a long time, so I wanted some right now! But too bad I caught a fever. I was telling mom every second that I wanted some pizza. But of course, I knew I can’t get any.
The day after that, my fever finally ran away! Which means I can eat pizza! On the way there, with my mom, I was thinking, hurry up! When are we going to get there? Can’t this crap bus hurry up?!
Finally, we got to Papa Jones pizza place! We found a seat and sat down, we orded some beef rice and pepperoni and cheese pizza. While wating I said, ‘ Why is the sevice here so slow?!’ ‘How should I know, I’m not the chef here.’ Said my mom.
Finally, after 5 minutes,which felt like days, the pizza came! My eyes lightened up, my mouth started to water, the smell of pizza caught my nose! I immediately took a bite, what delicious, scrumptious pizza this is! Then I ate the whole slice in seconds! I grabbed a second slice, the pizza in my hand felt hard and soft at the same time, because the crust is hard and the rest is soft. Red pepperoni and yellow cheese were spreaded all over the pizza, when I take the first bite, strings of cheese came out of nowhere! I took them with my hand and put them in my mouth. This is tasty, plain tasty.
That was a great time, wasn’t it?
[ 本帖最后由 DXMOM 于 2011-2-17 09:14 编辑 ].