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[ 本帖最后由 不二周助 于 2008-4-6 07:08 编辑 ].

两篇都不错啊，但我更喜欢第二篇，有孩子天真的语言和形象的描述。整篇感觉是一气呵成的，更流畅。.

第二篇.

第二篇。
第一篇或许还要借助剧院的说明书写的吧。.

第二篇，像小姑娘写的。结尾如果用上“物竞天择、适者生存”，应该会比“弱肉强食”更好些。
第一篇嘛——.

谢谢LS各位。女儿能写成这样，我已经很满足了，我要求不高。她作文也不是很强，就是进入的五年级，突然喜欢写写了。

昨天还在看她四年级写的日记，就是如下水平：

2007年2月4日     晴

  “妈！”电话那头传来妈妈的声音：“我不在的时候，你可要管住她哟！”
  “好的。”电话这边的奶奶满口答应。
   今天妈妈去购物，就把我送到奶奶家。奶奶家很大，有两层楼，还有我的专用书桌，平时没事就到这转悠。
   今天我偶尔发现了书橱里有本《历史》，觉得奇怪：题目一点儿也不全面，到底讲什么？我翻开书，把披下来的头发一甩（那是我要做作业或看书时的习惯动作），看起《历史》来。
   只看了一节，我就不想看了，写得让人看不懂。唉！只能重新把它放回去。
   看来我不能自大，我懂得的还太少！

她写东西比较随意，从这个水平到现在一楼的水平也算进步了，要表扬。.

能用语言记录下自己感受,当然值得表扬.

第2篇.

第二篇。第一篇如能把剧情简单介绍一下会更好。.

颇有小作家的感觉。.

2.

2.

喜欢1 就是形容词稍微太多了一点点.

“美伦美奂”乃“美轮美奂”的错误写法。这句成语形容房屋高大华丽，用在这里属于用词不当。

详见：http://www.chinese-idiom.com/M/meilunmei_18918_idiom.html。.

似乎第二篇更好一点。好的文章不是华丽词藻的堆砌。.

第一篇剧情来了，不过她写的是英文的，剧情复杂，写得乱，看得懂吗？

Coppelia

    In a beautiful little village lived young ladies and young lads. There also lived a very old man---Dr. Coppelius who is a toy-maker.
    One day, a beautiful girl named Coppelia was sitting on the balcony reading a book. Another beautiful girl called Swanilda waved to her. But Coppelia paid no notice and didn't move. Meanwhile，a handsome boy called Franz also waved to her. She waved back. Franz loved her at once!
That morning, everyone danced happily, no one ever remembered Coppelia.
In the night, Dr Coppelius lost his key. Swanilda found it by accident. She and her friends sneaked into Dr. Coppelius house. At the same time, Franz was climbing a ladder. He desired to see Coppelia.
The girls saw a lot of toys in Dr. Coppelius's workshop. Just then, Dr. Coppelius came back and shooed all the girls out except Swanilda who was hinding in the cupboard and in there she found out that Coppelia was only a DOLL!
    Franz climed up to the window and got in. Dr. Coppelius coaxed him to drink too much poison so Franz seemed dead. Swanilda quickly got changed in the cupboard and dressed herself like Coppelia the doll. Coppelius tried to make Coppelia into a real person by magic, though he didn't realize that this doll was pretended by Swanilda! It seemed the magic had worked a little bit. And then, Franz woke up and joined. At last, Dr Coppelius found he had been tricked by Swanilda and Coppelia would never ever never be a REAL person.
   Eventually，Of course, Swanilda and Franz got married and lived happily ever after.

[ 本帖最后由 不二周助 于 2007-12-24 10:08 编辑 ].

对的，谢谢指教，我叫她看。不过这八个字对她来说有难度，估计她脑子里没有的，呵呵。.

引用:

原帖由 老姜 于 2007-12-24 07:24 发表
“美伦美奂”乃“美轮美奂”的错误写法。这句成语形容房屋高大华丽，用在这里属于用词不当。

详见：http://www.chinese-idiom.com/M/meilunmei_18918_idiom.html。

谢谢。我也不懂，我叫她来看。.

谢谢。形容词可以拿老师的红葡萄串，所以就拼命写，呵呵。是有点问题的，太在乎老师啦。.

谢谢，过奖。我们差远了。虽然现在说长大后理想是Designer or Writer..

第二篇为什么好些？看得出思想的流淌，胜过第一篇当中华丽辞藻的堆积。.

引用:

原帖由 不二周助 于 2007-12-24 10:12 发表
谢谢。形容词可以拿老师的红葡萄串，所以就拼命写，呵呵。是有点问题的，太在乎老师啦。

文章的架子搭得很好啊。把握舞台剧的情节比把握电影的要难得多，第1篇显示出她很高的理解力和鉴赏力。.

您的女儿真不错，文章中的思维超过同年龄的孩子，其实我喜欢第一篇文章。感悟的一瞬间是最好的文章！.

很不错啊，我觉得女孩子比男孩子 要会写文章.