标题: I'm Asian and I hate Asian culture because of my parents [打印本页] 作者: pp_dream 时间: 2017-7-6 22:34 标题: I'm Asian and I hate Asian culture because of my parents
r/confession
I'm Asian and I hate Asian culture because of my parents
u/lnspire
Background: I'm a 19 year old college kid in the US who has immigrant Chinese parents.
My parents are pretty much the stereotypical immigrant Asian parents. They're controlling, unreasonable, patronizing, and strict. I am grateful for them taking care of me all these years, but I can't stand being around them. And let me start out by saying that I don't consider myself a spoiled brat. I go to a top university, have a 9-5 job in a big company, and I didn't even get a cell phone until I went off to college.
My parents are always criticizing everything I do 24/7. Anything I do that isn't reading or studying is a waste of time for them, so I pretty much can't do anything during my daily life without getting criticized.
My dad is extremely arrogant and treats me like I'm a 5 year old. But at least he's somewhat reasonable and stable. What has really been driving me insane though is the fact that my mom is emotionally unstable. She's extremely manipulative, narcissistic, and she feeds off of other people's displeasure. She often has huge mood swings. Whenever she's in a bad mood, she takes her anger out on others. Sometimes, I'm just sitting there minding my own business when my mom just randomly chews me out for being a useless slob who can't do shit. She will find anything to yell at me for when she's not in a good mood. Just today, she saw a single sock that I dropped on the floor of my room and started screaming at me about how I'm such a filthy person who can't keep my shit together. Basically, whenever she's mad, she will throw a fucking tantrum and use others as emotional punching bags. In her twisted mind, she is above everyone else. There's no possible way for her to ever be wrong because she has no flaws. Plus she is always threatening to drop me out of college and disown me.
Even worse, she is extremely cheap and has no logic when it comes to money. She never lets me go anywhere, because gas costs money. Whenever I use a tissue and throw it away, she yells at me for "wasting" it when I can use it again (which is fucking gross). I get yelled at for working out or exercising because it costs money to wash clothes and take showers. She says shit like this on a daily basis, and it drives me insane.
I almost never talk to my parents about anything. They know nothing about my personal life at all. They often say I'm being a bad son for not talking to them, but why the fuck would I want to talk to them when all they do is criticize me and refuse to try to understand stuff from my point of view?
Unfortunately, because of my parents, I've started to have feelings of resentment for their whole culture. I hate Asian culture these days, and basically all of its customs. I hate how Asian kids are instilled with a belief that their parents are perfect people who are never wrong. I hate how anything outside of studying and reading is looked down upon as a waste of time. I hate how Asian parents pretty much see themselves as shareholders and their kids as stocks, and the kids are expected to do nothing but be be high value investments for the parents. I hate how Asian parents are always putting their kids down and comparing them to others. I hate how being quiet, submissive, and beta is encouraged in Asian culture. I hate all this "Tiger Parent" and "Confucious say" horse shit.
I know it's not rational to hate an entire culture because of my parents, but I can't really change the way I feel. I absolutely will not date an Asian girl, and I automatically get feelings of prejudice whenever I see or meet Asians. Whenever someone asks if I'm Chinese, I say no, I'm American.
Thanks for listening to my rant. I know some of my feelings are irrational, and I just wanted to get them off my chest. I am grateful for having parents who pay for college and provide me with food and shelter. In the end they are smart and hardworking people. But that doesn't mean I enjoy being around them or see them as good role models. 作者: pp_dream 时间: 2017-7-6 22:43 标题: 原帖在此
一大堆评论。。。 作者: pp_dream 时间: 2017-7-6 22:46 标题: copy some comments
I'm Korean and I know exactly how you feel except my mom raised me on her own and my family basically disowned her for having me at 18. But when I do see them occasionally, you can tell they look at me like I'm trash because I'm not the stereotypical skinny genius girl who loves math. Lmao.
You just have to learn when to stop giving a fuck because the situation you're in now, think about it. Its always lose lose. Either give it a try and talk to them about how they make you feel and theyll understand or they won't, and make you feel even shittier. That's when you're like fuck you. I'm out of here. Then who do you think will feel guilty for driving away their SON. You being a guy has so much advantage lol. Good luck.
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I'm a 28 year old dude finishing up my medical education and believe me it never ends. Med school isn't enough you need to be a surgeon or you are a fucking waste of skin. Then being a surgeon isn't enough because you need to be a neurosurgeon or you are a fucking waste if skin. Sometimes I wish they would have just aborted me.
Anyways, 28, single. Haven't talked to my dad since I was 14, and haven't talked to either of them since I was 24. There's something about first generation Asian immigrants that spawns the worst tyrannical emotionally abusive shit count bags that ever existed.
Seriously just get out. There is no way to win because there is no finish line. Nothing will ever be perfect and it will always be your fault.
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Same here in every way. I haven't lived at home since I was 17 (when I went to college). I'm now 26, getting my doctorate, and I have never came home. I am ruthlessly honest to my conservative chinese parents about my liberal views (as well as all the relationships I have had while in college). Every time they try to insert their chinese/eastern opinion or culture to judge me, I would cite every example of how they were wrong. That includes all the eastern medicine-bull-crap they try to teach me, which I counter with western findings and double blind studies to prove that they don't know anything. I made it a point that I am an adult now and all they can do is agree or disagree, but they can no longer influence my decisions. I point out that I have repaid all THEIR debt with my college loans, and will have an income that's 10 times greater.
I was just like you when I was 17. After years of being extremely honest to my parents, they have learned that they can disagree with me, but have to respect me. (Being en-route to becoming "successful" helped)
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I'm Chinese and that describes my parents to a T. Every last word. I had the same growing up, piano lessons, violin lessons, tutoring everyday after schoool. I never had a childhood because all my time outside of school was spent with more teachers and tutors that I didn't need. I have neither touched the piano or violin in over 20 years now due to my disdain for them.
They know nothing about my personal life either. I never tell them where I'm going, I never tell them how I'm feeling, I've never told them of any boyfriends I've had, and in their minds I'm still a 36-year old virgin because I've never had a boyfriend. I have a Ph.D. and they still treat me like i'm 5. They are the reason I never want kids, ever.
But my parents are getting older now and damn my Asian (and I guess Catholic) guilt that I have to take care of them because my sister and brother have had the right mind to escape to a different country. I keep telling them to go overseas to visit them, especially my sister who's married, so that they can leave me alone.
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Let me ask you this, have you been to China and gotten to know mainland Chinese people? I've been lving in Sichuan province for a few years now and it sounds like the problems you have with your parents come from them not adapting to America and living like they're still in China.
I think your dad's problem is that he doesn't understand the difference between American childhood and Chinese childhood. It probably hasn't registered with him that American kids start being independent way before Chinese kids and that by 19 you're most likely very prepared to take on life. In China, most kids don't start gaining independence until college, and even then they're usually expected to rely on their parents for money so that they can study all day. Some Chinese people don't start to really be adults or even live on their own until they're way into their 20s.
Your mom's emotional weirdness likely comes from a habit Chinese women have of using tantrums to get their way. I've known several Chinese women who will whine and pout when they don't get their way, and they usually eventually do. I've known a lot who are very week emotionally and don't know how to handle discomfort because of this. I sichuan it's even worse, up to the point where Sichuan men have a reputation for having "soft ears" or being succeptable to manipulation by their women. I have a feeling that your mom is just a grown version of the girls around here who will pout and have a hissy fit any time they don't get their way.
The money thing likely comes from how difficult it is to immigrate from China to America. I'd be willing to bet that unless they're super rich, your parents had to do a lot of scraping together to get enough money to immigrate and make a life in a countr who's currency is much stronger than that of their home country. That being said, it sounds like your financial situation is fine now so they should probably just get a reality check and wash some damn clothes.
As for you feeling like a long term investment....That's kind of how it is here. There really aren't many housing options for old people who can't take care of themselves so it's pretty much expected that the parents will live with their kids when they get old. Then, because of the one child policy, if the only child is a fuckup and can't support his parents, then the parents are screwed so they spend a lot of time and energy trying to make the kid successful. It's pretty fucked up to treat your kid that way if you ask me, but that's how a lot of Chinese parents think.
Essentially, I think you're mostly just experiencing the results of your parents' unwillingness to adjust to American ways of thinking.
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I don't have anything specific to your situation, but a comment about immigrant Chinese.
I married an immigrant Chinese woman who I met while she was in America in grad school. She was sweet and agreeable while we dated. The marriage was hell. My ex wife reminds me a lot of your mom. She wasn't as bad in some ways, but way worse in others that are terrible for marriages, such as constant lies, sexual infidelities, and pilfering money.
Digression: The psychological diagnosis of psychopath uses a set of about a dozen possible behaviors, things like extreme self destructive lying, extreme promiscuity, etc. If you demonstrate at least 3 of these behaviors, you are a psychopath. If you demonstrate 2 behaviors you are "borderline."
Our marriage counselor diagnosed her "borderline" but with the caveat that he believed that if we delved deep enough into her life we'd almost certainly uncover a third diagnosable criteria which would bump up the diagnosis to "psychopath." Ex did not cooperate with therapy and so the third criteria was never discovered.
A couple of years later I'm now going to therapy alone. Therapist takes a course in ethnic sensitivity, which teaches how various ethnic behaviors which are "normal" in that culture are perceived by American therapists. After taking this class, he tells me that he's no longer so sure that she's borderline or psychopath, that maybe she's just Chinese. Ie, the behaviors that Americans call psychopath fall well within the norm for Chinese natives.
I find this fucked up. My personal opinion is that it makes no difference if she's actually a psychopath or if Chinese people normally act like psychopaths. The result is the same: life with them is hell on earth.
I was able to divorce this woman and my life is much improved although I still suffer from the aftermath. You may have more difficulty cutting ties with your mom but maybe that's what you'll need to do. Good luck.