最近为长宁区办的《文化 中国》写了一篇书评，贴上来和大家分享
The 5 Love Languages--The Secret to Love That Lasts, By Gary Chapman
Keyword: love language, emotional need, love tank
We are all in search of long-lasting love. However, many come across not only ecstasy but also pain and frustration. Everything seems changed after marriage. Couples get married because they love each other and want to give the best to the other; but very often in marriage they only find emptiness, harsh words, or, sometimes even worse, violence. What happened? Why is love so evasive?
In the titled book, Dr. Chapman gave his answers to those questions and also solutions for the problems. He said based on his 40 years of counseling and research, the most important aspect in marriage is emotional need for love to be met. To achieve this goal, the couple needs to speak right love language to be an effective communicator of their love to their spouse. There are five love languages:
Words of Affirmation：verbal compliments expressed in simple, straightforward statements;
Quality Time: giving someone your undivided attention;
Receiving Gifts: gifts are visual symbols of love, it says loudly:”I am thinking of you.”
Acts of Service: doing thing you know your spouse will like you to do;
Physical Touch: any forms of body contact
Each individual has his/her own primary love language. When our mates make great efforts to learn and speak our love languages, we know that this love grows out of reason and choice, not instinct of the moment. And we feel secure that our mates accept us, want us and are committed to our well-being. With our emotional need met, our love tank full, we can reach out to accomplish our potential as individuals and as couples.
On the other hand, when we speak our own love language to our spouse whose is not necessarily same as ours, our expression of love is not understood and not received by our spouse. And vice versa. With our emotional need not met and our love tank empty, instead of resolving our differences by open communications, we tend to criticize, argue and withdraw, or even worse, to get verbally or physically violent. Behind all these misbehaviors, it is a soul with empty love tank crying for love. This does not limit for adults, it also applies to children. According to children’s psychologists, love and affection are most important amongst children’s emotional needs. Once these needs are satisfied, they will likely grow up to be happy and responsible adults; if not, they will be emotionally and socially challenged, and for the rest of their lives, they would search long and wide to satisfy their craving of love in the deepest of their heart. In many cases, they end up in seeking love in wrong places and in wrong ways.
Sounds interesting? Well, you can read the entire book to find out more in details and learn from the real cases Dr. Chapman had seen during his marriage counseling career. Also included is The 5 Love Languages Personal Profile test, try to learn more about your own and your spouse’s primary love languages and work together for a fulfilling marriage. More information available on web site:
www.5lovelanguages.com
爱的五种语言—让爱永不消退的秘密 （美）查普曼著
关键词：爱的语言，情感需要，爱的储蓄罐
天长地久是每一对爱人的追求。然而，除了灰姑娘版的童话故事，现实生活中很少有这种例子。从婚前的一见钟情，海誓山盟，到婚后的平淡，冷淡，争吵甚至恶语相向或恶拳相向，人们不禁要问，到底发生了什么？爱为什么这么难以把握？
在《爱的五种语言》这本书里，查普曼先生对上述问题给出了答案，而且，他还给了我们解决问题的方案。根据他40多年的研究和婚姻咨询的经验，他认为，婚姻的核心是满足配偶对爱的情感需求。要达到这个目标，配偶之间必须使用正确的爱的语言来向对方表达。爱有五种语言：
肯定的言词： 简单具体的言语夸赞；
高质量的时刻：注意力完全关注对方，不被其他事情或话题打搅；
礼物的赠与：礼物是一种实物证明：“我正想着你。”
服务对方的行动：你选择做这件事，因为你知道对方需要或喜欢；
身体的接触：是关系亲密的表现
每一个人都有自己最主要的爱的语言。当对方用这种语言向我们表达爱的时候，我们最容易接收到爱的信息，被爱的感觉最强烈。尤其是当对方的爱的语言与你不同，但是他/她还是努力了解你的语言，并使用这种语言，你就会确信他/她对你的爱是理性的选择结果，而非兴之所至。当我们的配偶接纳我们，需要我们，为我们的身心健康做努力的时候，我们的爱的储蓄罐就满满的，我们之间的关系就是健康的。在这种情况下，当我们有疑问，有分歧的时候，我们就更倾向于用开放式的，有建设性的方式来沟通，家庭的关系就很和谐。以此为基础，我们才能在更广阔的环境发展自己。
反之，假如我们只会用自己的方式来向对方表达，而且只用自己的方式来衡量对方是否爱我，那么，对方的方式假如和我们不同，他们就接收不到我们的表示，我们对他们的表示也视而不见。长此以往，我们互相之间的爱越来越少，抱怨越来越多。负面情绪累积过多，就可能对一点无关紧要的小事争吵不休，或者吵烦了，互不过问。猜疑，嫉妒，吵架，殴打，这些行为的背后，其实是一个抱着空空的爱的储蓄罐，大声哭喊着寻求爱的灵魂。大人如此，孩子也一样。儿童心理学家认为，孩子最强烈的情感需求是爱和亲情。这个需求被满足的孩子很可能成长为快乐的，有责任感的孩子；如果这些最基本的情感需求不被满足，孩子的心理和社交就会受到影响，甚至会用错误的方式来满足内心深处的渴求，造成更大的伤害。
假如你认为查普曼先生对爱的五种语言的描述有道理，你可以阅读全书以了解更多细节，书中也有很多真实的例子，也许对你会有启发。试着了解哪种是你的最主要的爱的语言，哪种是你配偶的，甚至哪种是你孩子的，父母的，然后用相应的语言来沟通，也许你会发现你有着世界上最好的爱人，孩子和父母！.
